Monday, December 19, 2005
Think i'm going crazy from lack of sleep. Got home only at 6am this morning after a night of clubbing at Ministry of Sound. Slept for 4 hours starting from 830am and woke up only at 1230pm. Well, one night at MoS. Not very long but enough to get me thinking about things. Reached MoS at around 1030pm. Queued for 1.5 hours and finally got in at 12mn. During this 1.5 hours wait, smurf was talking to joyce and lenny. Hx and cass were talking to each other, deb deb was with her NUS friends and the rest of the guys were somewhere out there. So, what was i doing? I was looking like an absolute loner. I stood in the queue, messaging wz and stoning. To some, yishan was just stoning cos she was irritated with having to be in the queue for so long. For those who were more observant, yishan was feeling absolutely left out. I dunno if anyone noticed but my few closest friends sure didn't. Yeah, i'm positively hurt that they didn't notice a thing at all and i won't bother to hide it.
It's been going on for so long i don't even know why i didn't mention it before. When the two of them laugh at me for something, when they tease me about something and mention things like how i have failed to remember their food preferences or their work schedule, i know that they mean no harm. They were just having a bit of plain old fun "suaning". But, they had no idea what those comments meant to me. They try their very best to be nice to me, to protect me from harm and lousy guys, take care of me feelings and make sure that they always make time for their dear fren, me. I'm not blaming them. They are really not at fault. They have been really really good friends but then, i can tell that i'm just not as impt as the other one is to them. Okok... fine. I think i'm not speaking sense. Let me explain. A thinks of B as her closest friend and Yishan as the next closest friend. The same goes for B. Yishan is always in second place. And i'm sick and tired of that. Why am i always second best? It's like i'll never be among the worst. This i know. I always wanna be excellent in whatever i do. But although i'm never the worst, i'm never the best either. It's always like "yishan is one of the better ones."
Can't i just be the best for once?
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Anyway, MoS wasn't too bad. Although i was thinking a lot, waiting for 1.5 hours before i got in and the place had bad music, i had fun. I was pretty wild. Didn't break my promise not to go beyond 5 drinks though.
Well, i received some attention from some angmohs over there and i was happy. Yeah, Lenny was correct in saying that i enjoyed the attention. I didn't mind them dancing so close to me, grabbing my hand to get me to help his friend pull his collar nicely or them breaking through the "wall" the guys had built around us to start dancing beside me. In fact, i was happy. Yup, i'm an attention seeking girl, and i don't really care even if the attention is not for the correct reason.
When i just rebonded my hair, a friend said that i made the correct decision. She thought i looked better. Well, i like it too. But it's still not enough. I wanna look stunning. I wanna make guys turn their heads and look at me. I wanna be envied. I want attention. No worries, i know this is unhealthy. I don't seem like i'm in the correct state of mind. But well, that's what happens when u want revenge. You don't think straight. It's almost been a year now. Nope, i have not given up on the idea of revenge. Forget about telling me to let it go. I won't. Why should i be hurt and then keep quiet about it? I want to look better than i was a year ago. Be more confident than i was a year ago. Be more happy than i was a year ago. AND, i wanna show it all to him. I wanna make him regret ever having hurt me. I wanna make him realise that my life has gone on, WITHOUT him. I wanna let him know that i'm now MUCH happier than i ever was when i was with him. and i don't think there's anything wrong with it. Yishan is simply not a girl who will let herself be bullied and let the fella get away with it.
YYY
